Some return huh? + House of Wax

So yeah, I suppose I didn't return right away. Moving sucks!



Anyway... AWAY WE GO!

So I've watched two totally horrid movies recently, and I decided to do a Crappy Movies Galore post on House of Wax, starring Dean and Tristan from The Gilmore Girls, Kim Bauer from 24, Zack Fischer from Boston Public, a Token Black Guy, and Haris Pilton... Flaris Jilton... some stupid slut.

Partial summary from IMDB:

"Six friends are on their way to a football game. They decide to camp out for the night and continue driving the next day. The next day the friends find that their having car troubles, so two of the friends accept a strangers ride into a small town named Ambrose. The main attraction in Ambrose is the House of Wax. Except something is not right in this town the wax figures are so realistic and the whole town is deserted- except for two murderous twin brothers. The six friends must fight to survive and escape from being the next exhibits in the House of Wax." link

What a freaking snore-fest, at least for the first 3/4 of the movie or so. Hairy Pits-ton shows exactly why she's not an actress. After watching her in this horrible piece of crap I'm glad she just parties and keeps her damn trap shut.

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The movie starts out with very little backstory on our heroes, as they reveal it throughout the film. It starts nice and slowly, setting up why exactly 6 teens would be out in the middle of nowhere (wow, a football game, how original)

Anyway, the entire movie was a waste of time. There's a little bit of gore, one genuinely creepy stairway and that's about it. I'm going to post some pictures with some blurbs, but I can't see how I can ever get my time back that I wasted on this movie.

If you suffer from vertigo, you might not want to watch this movie. The director used WAY too many sweeping overhead shots.

Watch for deadpan lines with no acting from the skanky blonde, they're dangerous.

I'm trying to not spoil any death scenes or any of the true gore, though I would have to say there isn't much. Note that there's WAY more shit going on in this movie than I'm showing with these few pics.

We now join our 6 teens, out in the middle of nowhere on their way to an undetermined "football game". They decide to take a shortcut and then camp out. Paris acts like a slut... shocker, I know.

Foreshadowing mode: on.



"Oh look honey, they've got free children! Let's pick one up"



"HEY! Elton John Says No Flash Photography!"



"Oh GOD Paris! Is that your acting I smell?"



"Oh crap, is Paris acting again?!



"I'm leaving you for the hick..."



"Hey, how many of you hicks are there in this hick town?"

"Like two... hundred! Two hundred! Yeah, that's it!"

This sign is shown several times throughout the movie, because they wanted to leave reminders for Paris Hilton's fans about the name of the movie. Seriously, if you're dumb enough to pay theater prices to see a movie with Paris Hilton in it, then you NEED the reminder.



"What's this place called again?!"

Our intrepid bf/gf team are exploring the "house of wax" which is LITERAL and there's a lot of creepy wax stuff in there, including a wax doggie.



"I'm not wax you jerk! ARF!"

Dean thinks it's all a huge joke.



"Duuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"

The girl figures out this guy's been stalking them! Oh noes!



"You gonna git it li'l lady!"

Panoramic view = fail



So... lonely! So lonely! So lonely and feeling alone!


Dean might just be the first to go:



"Man, braces sure have gotten complicated..."

Yet another horrid camera angle.



"Vertigo chase scene! *Blarf*"

The girl is captured and held hostage in a basement. She's trying to signal her brother and fails.



"Here little finger! Snip, snip! Time to go fishing!"

Here is the creepy stairwell.



"Agh! You tripped me!"

Token Black Guy and Blonde Bimbo are next up on the chopping block, after a clothes-on non-sex scene.

Token Black Guy dies and the Blond Eggshell runs around trying to escape the killer.



"Here Paris! Catch this spear (sharp pipe)!"

After some crazy chasing and ALMOST tense scenes, our living teens attempt to get away from the Super Nutsio Bros. and end up setting the house made out of wax on FIRE! Now that's what I call Firony.



"Augh! Run! Everything's on FIRE!"

And so the teens make it out THROUGH THE WALL and then end up at the "House of Wax" sign on the house again, just in case you forgot what the movie was named.



"So you say your four friends got killded?"

And so our movie comes to an end with the tiniest twist ending EVER! M. Night Shyamalan would turn over in his grave. What's that you say? He's not dead? Well crap.

Someone give me back this 2 hours of my life please!
Continue to full post . . .

Missile to the Moon! [Crappy Movies Galore]

Hello mortals,

Welcome to the first post ever of Crappy Movies Galore. I am sacrificing my sanity so that you all won't have to watch crappy movies unless you're into that kind of stuff. Here in my CMG posts I'm going to give you my take on stuff that happens. In each one I will link the movie on IMDB and quote a summary from IMDB and then talk about the movie.

This is your only warning: There will be spoilers in each and every CMG. If you don't like it, keep it to yourself ;)

Today on CMG we are going to be taking a look at Missile to the Moon.



Summary from IMDB:

"Escaped convicts Gary (Tommy Cook) and Lon (Gary Clarke) are caught hiding in a rocket by scientist Dirk Green (Michael Whalen), who forces them to pilot the ship to the moon. Dirk, who's secretly a moon being, wants to return to his home satellite. Dirk's partner Steve Dayton (Richard Travis) and his fiance June (Cathy Downs) stowaway on the ship by accident. Will they all make it back safely ? Written by Mark Holcomb" link

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The movie starts out pretty slowly. There's some scientists talking to a general or something about a rocket they built. There's a little conflict, there's some escaped convicts, there's some other crap happening.

The movie doesn't really start feeling extra crappy until you see the rocket, which is obviously a cardboard cutout.

Then the plot starts to shake and quake and do the twist.

Dirk catches Gary and Lon on his rocket and decides not to turn them over to the sheriff standing outside, but instead has the GENIUS idea of having them pilot his rocket.



"Here, have this TINY bit of food so that you will be able to survive the WEEKS it takes to get to the moon!"

The 2 totally jail-hardened and cruel criminals decide to pilot the old man's ship.



"It's like I'm back in prison."

Soon enough, the crew and their castaways run into a "meteorite belt".



"Oh no! Play-doh!"



"Let me just fix this battery! OMG OW MY HEAD!"



"Tell my wife... I said... buy more chocolate sauce..." *dies*

Soon after the old guy croaks, the intrepid team finds themselves on the moon after a nice reversed-stock-footage shot of an actual missile.

They then disembark on the surface of the "moon" which is really just a grey spray-painted desert with that damned cardboard rocket again. You can even see the folds in it at one point. It's like they didn't even try at all. Good god, just look at it:




"Oh man, look at how flimsy the rocket is!"

And what's with those jump suits... space suits... wait. What are they supposed to be this Halloween? Mechanics with gas-masks and motorcycle helmets? Why didn't they spring for the ones with their names embroidered on them? With the funds to build a cardboard rocket, you'd think they could afford tin foil space suits.



"Honey is your suit sealed at the neck? No? Well that's fine, we won't depressurize on the moon. ESPECIALLY with that backdrop."

And then there's the rock-men:



"dot dot dot"

And the campy torch-in-a-moon-cave sequence



"This fire means we can breathe"

And then the gas. Oh man the gas...



"Dude, what did you eat?"

And then there's a moon-lady and all of her moon-lady servants.



And then we get a ton of exposition about how the dead old man was a moon-dude, and then there's a 5 second catfight:



"Rawr"

And then the intrepid crew of the SS Cardboard are sentenced to death... by "creature"



"Hi mom!"



"HELP! I'M ALLERGIC TO PIPE CLEANERS!"

And then they escape into a dancing sequence (the moon-ladies dance, not the crew). Then there's a coup-d'etat gone wrong since one of the moon-chicks is totally diggin' on the criminal guys...

One grenade later...



The air is sucked out of the room by wires...



and the moon-lady that threw the grenade gets a statue to the noggin for her trouble. Luckily it was obviously made out of something light. I wish the dude that threw it from off camera would do it again!

Then there's absolutely the worst dying-villain monologue in existence, complete with horrible acting and stupid faces.



And then the crew of the Cardboard make their escape and one of the criminals lags behind because of the gigantic bags of diamonds he collected, which is odd, because the moon doesn't really have volcanic problems.

Oh but wait, the sun is up, and the moon, not having an atmosphere, gets really friggin hot. So we get the best special effects sequence in the movie, and really, it's not saying much. But don't worry... he'll be ok... i sw... oh.



"owie"



"Haha, I'm such a dummy for stepping into the sunlight"



"Sizzle"



"Whew, that's a great tan man."

The remaining three members of the Cardboard get back on board. So the movie closes with the woman being a typically jealous woman and asking if her hubbie thought she looked better than that stupid moon-villain-lady.



"Honey, you're the only one for..."



"WINK"

And so the SS Cardboard blasts back off the moon in a stunning reverse reversed-stock-footage shot and this horrid film comes to a close.





"Oh thank god!"

And now I have to sign off, but I want that hour and a half of my life back.
Continue to full post . . .