Get to da Choppah!!!!!!!

Blogging is hard for me.

"But Pengo, Why Is Blogging Hard For You?!"

I'm glad you asked dear reader.

I have a little dysfunction called Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Don't get me wrong, I try to never use it as a crutch or an excuse. I was not even diagnosed with it until I was in the US Navy at 19 years old. It prevented me from actually finishing Nuclear Power School. (yeah, I'm pretty samrt... heh)

It is also the reason I was discharged from the Navy. You can't be ADHD in the Navy without being medicated, but you cannot take the medications for it without violating their drug abuse policies since it's a controlled substance. So I was caught in a Catch-22 and had to be dismissed from duty.

Anyway! I have done a lot of research on the subject because it is very interesting to me and I like self-introspection anyway. It turns out I have a subset of ADHD (of which there are 6 different ones) called Hyperfocus.

Sorry, I need to say this: ADHD and ADD are not diseases. They are chemical imbalances in the brain that lead to attention problems. These manifest themselves in lots of different ways, but it is not a learning disability nor is it just a static problem like a ton of people seem to think it is. The brain is constantly changing and through that, a single person's ADHD can change as well. This is all based on new research that I've read up on, as is everything I'm going to say in this post.

Ok, back to Hyperfocus. I am part of the subset of ADHD that causes a lack of dopamine to be received in the front part of the brain. This causes me to be unable to rapidly switch my focus from one thing to another. This also causes me to be unable to do things that need to be done if they're not fun, because my brain will become absorbed in something fun and not be able to shift gears as it were. All because of a little missing dopamine.

The other problem with this is that when I am FORCED to shift gears, my brain gets very very angry and aggressive. This is a serious problem, but I literally have no control over it. Unfortunately, My Fiancee is typically the recipient of this outburst. It's not like I want to get mad. It's that my brain is trying to not shift. Think of a manual transmission in a car. You push on the clutch to make the gears shift nice and smoothly. Well, my brain shifts without the clutch. There's a grinding of gears and a horrid noise and the car can lose power or the transmission can go out. All of this leads to HULK SMASH levels of rage, just from being pulled out of whatever I am doing at the time.

God love her, she puts up with me and I'll never know why. I can get seriously mean, but really I don't even know I'm doing it until after it's over.

So I'm faced with a conundrum now. My best friend at work, J, has ADHD too. He recently started taking medication for it. His problems are nearly all gone now, just from some speed. So it sounds intriguing to me.

But there's a problem with this scenario. I will not EVER take that kind of drug for my brain. Here's why: All medicines, including speed, which are proven to increase the receptiveness of dopamine in the front lobes, have been proven to build up toxicity every time you take them. They literally end up poisoning your brain. Studies are showing that Ritalin, the most common ADHD medication, is causing children to lose touch with reality and become paranoid, delusional, Schizo, etc. All because of the toxicity levels that slowly build up. They can literally become different people, and since the toxins never leave the brain, they can become permanently Effed Up.

Today, I was emailing my mother as I do quite often, and she revealed that she now knows she's a Hyperfocuser as well. So we're going to support each other through this. But she found something interesting. VERY interesting.

A new study has shown that limiting the food intake of pre-down's syndrome rats (This is important because it's a lack of dopamine in the frontal lobes, just like ADHD) is allowing their brains to actually absorb more dopamine. So now I'm going to have to figure out how to limit my calorie intake. She's going to be doing this as well. It seems this either will or won't work, but maybe I'll lose some of this weight I've been meaning to lose anyway.

Luckily this can coincide with my gradual shift to a more vegetarian style of eating. I just wish meat wasn't so delicious. Oh wait, no I don't.

So back to the topic at hand:

I'm willing to help any of my readers or anyone who just happens across my blog learn more about ADHD, especially if they're suffering from it. I will also start posting my calorie limitation plan as soon as i can figure out how to do it. I think i'm going to have to start by getting a food scale. That should be fun. sigh.

Anyway, I want to formally tell the little woman in my life that I love her and I'm sorry for the grinding gears when I need to stop and do something else, and that I hope she tries to take it less personally.

Thanks for sitting through my randomness. This is actually quite firm control over the tangents my brain tries to go on. So you can imagine what it's like when I don't control it. YIKES!

Pengo Out!

EDIT: OMG! I totally spaced out and forgot to say why blogging really is hard. I tend to focus on other stuff, so when my brain gets a blog-post-worthy thought, it's usually crumpled up and tossed aside. So I have a pile of wadded-paper blog post ideas in my brain, but I'm not gonna sort through 'em. So it's hard for me to stop and sit down and write out my thoughts. Thanks a LOT ADHD. Jeez.

EDIT 2: Holy crap! Wall of text anyone?! HEY! WAKE UP!