The Vegetari-MAN Cookbook: Recipe 1

The Vegetari-MAN Cookbook.

Background: I am bloodtype A-, and A blood types are notorious for needing to be mostly vegetarian. I still ADORE and EAT and ENJOY slaughtered animal flesh, but in an effort to prevent the need for antacids and gastric trouble I am converting myself to vegetarianism at dinner and breakfast. It seems that I can have an ENORMOUS STEAK IN ONE BITE during lunch and be fine, but if I eat meat at dinner or breakfast, I typically end up paying for it (and so does everyone else in a 3 mile radius). However, I am going to up the MANLINESS of vegetarian dishes. My beard demands it, and it is the source of my power, so I am compelled to listen.


The Vegetari-MAN Cookbook: Recipe 1. Cucumber Volcano Sandwiches

What's more MANLY than jumping into an active volcano? NOTHING! However, REAL MEN KNOW NOT TO DIE, so I am going to teach you the next best thing. The only thing these sandwiches are going to kill are your TASTE BUDS through sheer AWESOMENESS.

"Oh look, it's tea time with the Queen!" That is NOT what these cucumber sandwiches are. These are cucumber sandwiches that are AWESOME and MANLY.

Key #1 to keep it MANLY: Do NOT cut off the crusts. Crust-less bread is for kids and women. NO MAN EATS BREAD WITHOUT CRUST.

Key #2 to keep it MANLY: Do NOT use more spice than you can handle. It is NOT manly to offer too many sacrifices to the porcelain gods. Only those without self-control would put themselves in that position.

Key #3 to keep it MANLY: Too many steps make it less MANLY. We are MEN and COOKS, not some little frou-frou chef that has to make a 35 ingredient sauce to put on eggs. LESS STEPS = MORE MANLY. Math never lies.

Recipe:

BREAD

GIANT CUCUMBERS (at least 1.5 inches in girth and/or more than 6 inches long for ease of preperation)

WHIPPED CREAM CHEESE

1 PACKET OF ITALIAN DRESSING MIX OR 1 PACKET OF RANCH DIP MIX

CAYENNE PEPPER

THE BIGGEST KNIFE YOU HAVE AND A CLEAVER WOULD BE BETTER

CUTTING BOARD OR COUNTER TOP

Steps:

1) Peel the GIANT CUCUMBER or don't, it's your choice. I hate the taste of wax, as should all MEN. WAX keeps you from OBLITERATING AND ABSORBING ENERGY FROM YOUR FOOD, so I don't really want that swishing around in my plumbing.

2) Cut the GIANT CUCUMBER in half lengthwise then make slices out of it. I choose to make my slices of GIANT CUCUMBER about half an inch thick. Make them as thick as you want or think they need to be, but if the sandwich doesn't fit in your mouth, it's not a compressible sandwich, so you're fucked. MEN ARE SMART, so keep it edible.

3) Let the GIANT CUCUMBER slices dry on a paper towel and then mix the ITALIAN DRESSING MIX into the WHIPPED CREAM CHEESE.

4) SLATHER both slices of the bread with the ITALIAN WHIPPED CREAM CHEESE for each sandwich.

5) Put as much CAYENNE PEPPER on both sides as you can handle. Remember not to destroy your plumbing.

6) SLAM the GIANT CUCUMBER slices onto the bread and SMASH the sandwich together. Fill the sandwich with the slices. SLAMMING the sandwich makes the cream cheese hold fast to the GIANT CUCUMBER slices.

7) CONSUME YOUR SANDWICH. MASTICATE IT AS MUCH AS YOU WANT THEN DIGEST.

These are the MANLIEST cucumber sandwiches in EXISTENCE. TRY THEM! Put HAM on the sandwiches if you are more of a meat eater. I'm going to do that for lunch one day.

Vegetari-MAN out! /FLEX