Welcome to the first post ever of Crappy Movies Galore. I am sacrificing my sanity so that you all won't have to watch crappy movies unless you're into that kind of stuff. Here in my CMG posts I'm going to give you my take on stuff that happens. In each one I will link the movie on IMDB and quote a summary from IMDB and then talk about the movie.
This is your only warning: There will be spoilers in each and every CMG. If you don't like it, keep it to yourself ;)
Today on CMG we are going to be taking a look at Missile to the Moon.
Summary from IMDB:
"Escaped convicts Gary (Tommy Cook) and Lon (Gary Clarke) are caught hiding in a rocket by scientist Dirk Green (Michael Whalen), who forces them to pilot the ship to the moon. Dirk, who's secretly a moon being, wants to return to his home satellite. Dirk's partner Steve Dayton (Richard Travis) and his fiance June (Cathy Downs) stowaway on the ship by accident. Will they all make it back safely ? Written by Mark Holcomb" link
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The movie starts out pretty slowly. There's some scientists talking to a general or something about a rocket they built. There's a little conflict, there's some escaped convicts, there's some other crap happening.
The movie doesn't really start feeling extra crappy until you see the rocket, which is obviously a cardboard cutout.
Then the plot starts to shake and quake and do the twist.
Dirk catches Gary and Lon on his rocket and decides not to turn them over to the sheriff standing outside, but instead has the GENIUS idea of having them pilot his rocket.
"Here, have this TINY bit of food so that you will be able to survive the WEEKS it takes to get to the moon!"
The 2 totally jail-hardened and cruel criminals decide to pilot the old man's ship.
"It's like I'm back in prison."
Soon enough, the crew and their castaways run into a "meteorite belt".
"Oh no! Play-doh!"
"Let me just fix this battery! OMG OW MY HEAD!"
"Tell my wife... I said... buy more chocolate sauce..." *dies*
Soon after the old guy croaks, the intrepid team finds themselves on the moon after a nice reversed-stock-footage shot of an actual missile.
They then disembark on the surface of the "moon" which is really just a grey spray-painted desert with that damned cardboard rocket again. You can even see the folds in it at one point. It's like they didn't even try at all. Good god, just look at it:
"Oh man, look at how flimsy the rocket is!"
And what's with those jump suits... space suits... wait. What are they supposed to be this Halloween? Mechanics with gas-masks and motorcycle helmets? Why didn't they spring for the ones with their names embroidered on them? With the funds to build a cardboard rocket, you'd think they could afford tin foil space suits.
"Honey is your suit sealed at the neck? No? Well that's fine, we won't depressurize on the moon. ESPECIALLY with that backdrop."
And then there's the rock-men:
"dot dot dot"
And the campy torch-in-a-moon-cave sequence
"This fire means we can breathe"
And then the gas. Oh man the gas...
"Dude, what did you eat?"
And then there's a moon-lady and all of her moon-lady servants.
And then we get a ton of exposition about how the dead old man was a moon-dude, and then there's a 5 second catfight:
"Rawr"
And then the intrepid crew of the SS Cardboard are sentenced to death... by "creature"
"Hi mom!"
"HELP! I'M ALLERGIC TO PIPE CLEANERS!"
And then they escape into a dancing sequence (the moon-ladies dance, not the crew). Then there's a coup-d'etat gone wrong since one of the moon-chicks is totally diggin' on the criminal guys...
One grenade later...
The air is sucked out of the room by wires...
and the moon-lady that threw the grenade gets a statue to the noggin for her trouble. Luckily it was obviously made out of something light. I wish the dude that threw it from off camera would do it again!
Then there's absolutely the worst dying-villain monologue in existence, complete with horrible acting and stupid faces.
And then the crew of the Cardboard make their escape and one of the criminals lags behind because of the gigantic bags of diamonds he collected, which is odd, because the moon doesn't really have volcanic problems.
Oh but wait, the sun is up, and the moon, not having an atmosphere, gets really friggin hot. So we get the best special effects sequence in the movie, and really, it's not saying much. But don't worry... he'll be ok... i sw... oh.
"owie"
"Haha, I'm such a dummy for stepping into the sunlight"
"Sizzle"
"Whew, that's a great tan man."
The remaining three members of the Cardboard get back on board. So the movie closes with the woman being a typically jealous woman and asking if her hubbie thought she looked better than that stupid moon-villain-lady.
"Honey, you're the only one for..."
"WINK"
And so the SS Cardboard blasts back off the moon in a stunning reverse reversed-stock-footage shot and this horrid film comes to a close.
"Oh thank god!"
And now I have to sign off, but I want that hour and a half of my life back.
