Anyway... AWAY WE GO!
So I've watched two totally horrid movies recently, and I decided to do a Crappy Movies Galore post on House of Wax, starring Dean and Tristan from The Gilmore Girls, Kim Bauer from 24, Zack Fischer from Boston Public, a Token Black Guy, and Haris Pilton... Flaris Jilton... some stupid slut.
Partial summary from IMDB:
"Six friends are on their way to a football game. They decide to camp out for the night and continue driving the next day. The next day the friends find that their having car troubles, so two of the friends accept a strangers ride into a small town named Ambrose. The main attraction in Ambrose is the House of Wax. Except something is not right in this town the wax figures are so realistic and the whole town is deserted- except for two murderous twin brothers. The six friends must fight to survive and escape from being the next exhibits in the House of Wax." link
What a freaking snore-fest, at least for the first 3/4 of the movie or so. Hairy Pits-ton shows exactly why she's not an actress. After watching her in this horrible piece of crap I'm glad she just parties and keeps her damn trap shut.
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The movie starts out with very little backstory on our heroes, as they reveal it throughout the film. It starts nice and slowly, setting up why exactly 6 teens would be out in the middle of nowhere (wow, a football game, how original)
Anyway, the entire movie was a waste of time. There's a little bit of gore, one genuinely creepy stairway and that's about it. I'm going to post some pictures with some blurbs, but I can't see how I can ever get my time back that I wasted on this movie.
If you suffer from vertigo, you might not want to watch this movie. The director used WAY too many sweeping overhead shots.
Watch for deadpan lines with no acting from the skanky blonde, they're dangerous.
I'm trying to not spoil any death scenes or any of the true gore, though I would have to say there isn't much. Note that there's WAY more shit going on in this movie than I'm showing with these few pics.
We now join our 6 teens, out in the middle of nowhere on their way to an undetermined "football game". They decide to take a shortcut and then camp out. Paris acts like a slut... shocker, I know.
Foreshadowing mode: on.
"Oh look honey, they've got free children! Let's pick one up"
"HEY! Elton John Says No Flash Photography!"
"Oh GOD Paris! Is that your acting I smell?"
"Oh crap, is Paris acting again?!
"I'm leaving you for the hick..."
"Hey, how many of you hicks are there in this hick town?"
"Like two... hundred! Two hundred! Yeah, that's it!"
This sign is shown several times throughout the movie, because they wanted to leave reminders for Paris Hilton's fans about the name of the movie. Seriously, if you're dumb enough to pay theater prices to see a movie with Paris Hilton in it, then you NEED the reminder.
"What's this place called again?!"
Our intrepid bf/gf team are exploring the "house of wax" which is LITERAL and there's a lot of creepy wax stuff in there, including a wax doggie.
"I'm not wax you jerk! ARF!"
Dean thinks it's all a huge joke.
"Duuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"
The girl figures out this guy's been stalking them! Oh noes!
"You gonna git it li'l lady!"
Panoramic view = fail
So... lonely! So lonely! So lonely and feeling alone!
Dean might just be the first to go:
"Man, braces sure have gotten complicated..."
Yet another horrid camera angle.
"Vertigo chase scene! *Blarf*"
The girl is captured and held hostage in a basement. She's trying to signal her brother and fails.
"Here little finger! Snip, snip! Time to go fishing!"
Here is the creepy stairwell.
"Agh! You tripped me!"
Token Black Guy and Blonde Bimbo are next up on the chopping block, after a clothes-on non-sex scene.
Token Black Guy dies and the Blond Eggshell runs around trying to escape the killer.
"Here Paris! Catch this spear (sharp pipe)!"
After some crazy chasing and ALMOST tense scenes, our living teens attempt to get away from the Super Nutsio Bros. and end up setting the house made out of wax on FIRE! Now that's what I call Firony.
"Augh! Run! Everything's on FIRE!"
And so the teens make it out THROUGH THE WALL and then end up at the "House of Wax" sign on the house again, just in case you forgot what the movie was named.
"So you say your four friends got killded?"
And so our movie comes to an end with the tiniest twist ending EVER! M. Night Shyamalan would turn over in his grave. What's that you say? He's not dead? Well crap.
Someone give me back this 2 hours of my life please!
